Stream of Consciousness

Life?

2010-05-03T00:36:00.001-07:00

Man, I've become such a lard. Food is literally going to be the death of me. My life is overrun with fast food and snacks. And then I go through brief periods of eating somewhat healthy and go buy carrot sticks and celery at Trader Joe's. But in no time at all, it's back to gorging a fat Vallarta's quesoburrito (frickin' delicious BTW) and gaining all the weight back.

I need to shape up and hit the gym. No more looking at old "skinny Dan" pictures in nostalgia. Time to make it a reality. Again. Time to release gallons of sweat and stress through cardio. Time to say no to burgers and fries and say yes to greens and whole grains.

It kills me because life without delicious food is one hardly worth living.

Anyways, I probably only think/say this once a quarter before I get lambasted with cursed finals. Learning is such a blessing and an opportunity that I let pass by too often. I like to ditch class because I feel like I can just learn "on my own" and just study the book. I don't soak in and study all I should. And sometimes I look back and think, man I wish I had actually learned the stuff in that class rather than just cram it all before the final and forget it soon after. But whatever.

Taking these classes not only gives me headaches, stress, and a hefty bill for each unit, but it also gives me renewed appreciation for God's perfect design. Especially for science classes, I look at all the intricacies of the cell and its basic processes and I am in awe of its complexities. Maybe that's what makes learning so enjoyable at certain moments such as these.

But, I will probably go back to complaining and hating life tomorrow, since my midterm will just be one day away.

Vegan Cookies

2010-04-25T02:53:00.000-07:00

For something that is labeled "Vegan", Trader Joe's Vegan chocolate chip cookies are arguably better tasting than regular chocolate chip cookies. Just sayin'.

I look at my Bible and feel so uninspired. What is it that you want to teach me God? If I open this book, how will my life be affected? Maybe, I have become so jaded that I just don't have the heart to really soak in what You're trying to show me. The words that I read are just that: words.

It's hard to really entrust God with my future. I feel like, the way I've been brought up, it's hard to not have the attitude that the future is what I make of it. I will only succeed if I put my mind to it. Anything less, then I can expect less. But, I've also been taught that our future ultimately aligns with God's plans, despite what silly thing we have thought of for ourselves. Knowing that my life is in God's immovable hands, why would I want to put my own life into my own shaky and unreliable hands? I hate how uncertain the future is. I don't know how I'm supposed to find comfort in knowing that my ambiguous future is going to play out a certain way, no matter what I do. I guess this is where all the question of "free will" within an omnipotent and omniscient sphere comes in.

So many questions in my head, but so little answers. Again, I look down at my Bible. Yet again, I just feel uninspired. Although I open the book and look for answers, I just read mere words and sigh. I close the book and hope God has an answer for me soon.

Steven.

2010-04-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty bad with updating this blog. Last time I wrote was like, February 27th.

Crap.

Math. Mute.

2010-02-27T00:20:00.000-08:00

I always abhored mathematical problem solving. To me, a problem only having one answer was so mundane and frustrating. If I didn't know how to do the problem, then I'm just stuck. There's no creativity involved. Not even trial and error. As long as I am clueless to the whole concept of the problem, there is a very slim chance of solving it. I guess that's why I considered myself an English person most of my life. Analysis of a reading passage or piece of literature was always left up to a wide range of interpretation. Given, there are always symbols, literary devices, and plots that are widely accepted as being correct in all instances. But, nonetheless, if I want to interpret a "problem" in English, I could approach it any way I want and still be "right", with sufficient evidence and support.

However, as I study for chemistry and solve problem after problem, I'm starting to get it. Once you got the concepts down, problem-solving is a puzzle. Figuring out how all the pieces fit together to agree with the concept. And solving the puzzle is INTOXICATING.

When.

2010-02-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

I wonder if everything I'm doing right now in college is worth it. So many people give up their dreams because they find it unattainable or simply too difficult to pursue. Others smarten up and realize that what they wanted isn't REALLY what they wanted.

What if I'm just wasting all my time only to reach a point when I dismantle it all?

On a totally unrelated note, I've become some kind of a jerk lately.

I realized I have total disregard for people's feelings. Nowadays at least.

God, save me from myself.

Sometimes.

2010-01-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

Loneliness is something that is to be appreciated.

I used to be afraid of being lonely. Without the warmth of a fellow human being. Lost in a dark and cold world. Separated from those I love.

This is evidenced in high school when I made it my life to surround myself with people constantly. I couldn't stand the thought of eating alone. I also made it a point to surround myself with several different groups of friends, so that my need for social contact was consistently satiated. If I was bored or tired of one group, I could move on to the next. I was wrong to think this way.

Cut to the future. Now. College. Junior year. I used to get hurt. I used to get hurt when I was left out of things. You think I didn't see when you invited everyone but me? You think I can't pick up on the subtleties of being left out? Sometimes accidently, sometimes on purpose.

I used to get hurt and think to myself "Why God! Why do I not have the love of this brother or sister? I try so hard."

And God answered back. It came to me. My source of energy. My pride. My life was others. I lived for the thrill of always having something to do. Always having someone to share my time with. But what about for myself? What about for God?

If I were to get deep, I would conclude: If I were lonely, I would have time to reflect on my life for a long period of time. And I don't think I'd like what I would gradually conclude. I would have to face God myself, instead of being "blessed" by fellowship. I would have to face the dark.

I think I really learned that this past summer. All those lonely nights working, time to myself during the day just to engage in enjoyable activities. I learned that silence is beautiful. That sometimes, spending the day with myself is a much needed break from the cacophony of social gathering. That sometimes, God desires for me to have time alone, in the secret, to spend with the only One who matters in this life.

A New Year

2010-01-07T01:54:00.000-08:00

Resolutions (Not because they're practical, because they're fun):

1. Become a morning person.

2. Eat breakfast.

3. Eat right.

4. Push through tough times in stride.

5. Train my ear to listen better. Train my tongue to talk less.

6. Clean my room.

7. Cook more fish.

8. Take my vitamins.

9. Laugh at myself, because life is too short to be uptight and butthurt.

10. TRUST.

I hate Christmas Parties

2009-12-25T00:00:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to the blogosphere!

On this day, we celebrate the birth of our Savior. The day when God became fully Man to live a wretched human life and die to save us from an eternal doom. Born so humbly in an unassuming setting.

How beautiful this day is to us who believe.

War of my Life

2009-11-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

The pressure to perform is enormous. I feel like schoolwork is the worst of all performances. If you were to act in a show, this could be a possible scenario: You have a lead role and you practice for weeks and weeks before the big opening night. Come opening night, you're nervous and sweaty, heart pounding outside of your ribcage. Actually, it feels like it's clogged in your throat. You give a phenomenal performance, but only for the first half. The second half, you choke, forgetting all your lines and missing all the cues. Once the curtain closes, you exhale deeply and listen to the sparse, scattered applause. The audience wasn't pleased.

It isn't the end of the world. You can audition for more plays and move on. The newspaper might write some bad reviews about your atrocious second-half performance. Your director and fellow theatre members might be upset. But ultimately, you move on and the "big performance" is nothing more than a distant bad memory.

I wish school was something more like that. Except, the pressure to perform is enormous because your entire GPA is at stake (especially if you've messed up like me) and messing up one "performance" jeopardizes one entire grade. Which ultimately boils down to: waste of a quarter. And your audience is admission committees across the country who are judging your worth as a good candidate and person based on numbers, statistics, and a few measly words that are supposed to encompass your passion and heart.

The pressure is just, killer.

Midnight Swim

2009-11-05T03:37:00.000-08:00

I like moonlit walks on the beach. I like cloudy days with a bit of a breeze and chill. I like yellow legal pads and sharpie pens. I like messy graphs and ballpoint pen sketches. I like dark chocolate chunk cookies. I like salt-less fries from McDonalds. I like to dream big and plan big. I like chocolate milk made from syrup, not powder. I like Franklin Gutierrez from the Seattle Mariners. I like Rohto eye drops from Japan that burn your eyes awake. I like the pitch black darkness. I like girls who look good in glasses. I like the Batarang. I like free things. I like coupons. I like headphones that sound damn good with bumpin' bass and clear treble. I like people who are so talented, but humble.

I like midnight swims.

Love FTW!

I hate Burger King.

The Night Starts Here

2009-10-28T05:36:00.001-07:00

I am getting old for this job. Fighting to stay awake for 8 hours, it's just too much for me. I can barely keep my eyes open, my lower back is aching, and images of my warm, soft bed torture me. I've applying to some new lab jobs from Port Triton, hoping that I can pick something up and quit CSO. And I guess if I can't get a new job, I'll just stick with this and suffer through because it's at least a source of meager college-student income. I'm surrounded by a can of Steaz iced tea, a cup of nestea, and a can of AMP energy drink. Yet, I'm still so tired. The effects are no longer strong enough for me.

Last week was midterm week! YAY! My first midterm went well. My last midterm went well. As for my 2nd (Genetics) midterm...I felt like utter crap when I walked out of that room. I remember when I got that test and looked through all the questions, my insides shriveled and I died a little inside. The midterm was long, hard, and bad. Fast forward to a few days, I read some messages on the discussion board in WebCT. I see one topic "That was so messed up...". It was good to see posts after posts of different students complaining about the midterm saying it was unfair, difficult, and way too long.

Perhaps the curve will work in my favor then.

I don't know what I'm saying. The night is growing old and I am growing increasingly delirious. Save me from this madness.

Nothing is Sound

2009-10-26T01:46:00.000-07:00

Starting Junior year has been a wildly interesting ride. I came into this year with expectations and new responsibilities. Now, I'm an "upperclassmen", meaning I'll be thrust into the light of leadership as I become a small group leader. The schoolwork is manageable; I quit my lab to free up some time; the PPH internship is really opening my eyes to a future I may want to pursue; and I almost got fired from the police department. All-in-all, I would say it's been a strange month.

I've been struggling with something I've never struggled with before. And trust me when I say this. I'm struggling with meeting new people and being open and friendly. Before, if someone asked me to describe myself, I would consider myself a friendly and approachable person. I try to be, knowing how it feels to be rejected by someone who appears aloof. But I've struggled a lot this past month trying to be welcoming to freshmen. I think I only really know like 3 people. I really don't know what's up. Maybe I don't care to meet new people? Am I just lazy and complacent?

I guess it's true when they say college really does change you. It's just kind of funny when you see the change as it happens.

Hurts me soul.

2009-09-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

I wrestle with a thought every now and then.

In social psychology, there is a term called "Just world belief". Simply put, good things will happen to good people and bad things will happen to bad people. It describes a certain perspective some people have when it comes to misfortune.

But, we, as Christians, know that the "Just world belief" is foolish and definitely false. Bad things happen to good people all the time. The wicked continue to prosper and enjoy their gluttonous lifestyles. Missionaries live in harsh conditions, while still remaining faithful to the God they so desperately want to share with the natives. Christians around the world are persecuted and subject to torture; meanwhile men who shamelessly commit horrible deeds relax and indulge in their spoils of wrongdoing.

I struggle with the thought of good people suffering. It's an age-old argument to the existence of God. How does a loving God allow His people to suffer? Why do women and children in Africa continue to die? What kind of God allows the world to continue along in its downward spiral?

I'm sure most people are familiar with the story of Job. A faithful man of God is stripped of all his wonderful treasures, family, and property. But all due to what? A test? Sometimes I wonder. Are Christians satisfied with the answer to suffering being a test of faith? We say we suffer because God wants to teach us or test us. Sometimes, we get pulled in different ways and truly come out a "better" person. Other times, we just don't see it but tell ourselves through gritted teeth that we just need to have more faith and sometimes God works in "mysterious" ways.

I wonder if people are truly comforted by the things we conjure up in our minds to justify suffering. We strive to understand God and delve deeper into Scripture to uncover truths that should comfort us. Instead of becoming more enlightened, often times we're inherently and unconsciously selfish and create our own truths with "Scriptural" backing. This is where I see all sorts of debates over controversial topics and different interpretations. We believe that OUR interpretation of Scripture is absolute. We say the Trinity exists because there are verses where God refers to Himself as "we". They say the Trinity doesn't even make sense. There is no mention of Trinity in Scripture. Then we create different sects and cults and ultimately confuse the whole world because an Absolute Truth has been torn into variations of the "Truth" that every group insists is the whole.

Gestalt Psychology says that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I think it's our responsibility to be well read in Scripture and know God's Word. I think the deeper knowledge we have, the more advantageous it is when it comes to evangelism or discussion. However, I believe that we are a mere cup that can only hold so much water, although there is a pitcher full of water. Seeking to fully understand God to a point where we could actually be rewriting His Truth to conveniently fit into our worldview that reigns supreme? That's just wrong.

Maybe I won't ever understand why people suffer. There are hundreds of books and verses that seek to comfort those who struggle with the same thing. And I will find comfort. I will have faith. But I won't know all.

Twitter craze?

2009-08-17T01:20:00.000-07:00

I never really understood Twitter. I have to admit that. Then, I read Newsweek, Time, various news sites and discover that Twitter is the new "thing". People tweet the minute details of their mundane lives, ensuring that their "followers" have real-time updates about the whereabouts and activities of the tweeter. I can find that useful in two ways:

1. You've been kidnapped by terrorists. At least, you tweeted where you were a few minutes ago. So when your followers don't receive your next tweet in the next 10 minutes, they'll know something is terribly wrong and notify authorities. You are saved by Twitter!

2. "I would like to know what Dan is doing at all times of the day so I can admire him from afar!" - Hundreds of "Dan" fans

Of course, most people I know only tweet once a day (like me), but then I think "Why not just use Facebook where even more of your friends will know for sure what you're up to?"

I heard that Iranians protesting the recent election actually used Twitter massively in their revolt. Twitter is a huge, uncontrolled network, so people would tweet real-time updates to their rebellious activities and "warn" others. Of course, because it's not moderated, many tweets were probably erroneous and inaccurate.

I have a Twitter. Dan, you big hypocrite.

FOLLOW ME: http://www.twitter.com/dankimbap

ALSO, I set it up so that my twitter updates when my blog updates. I hope it works!

Happy Day

2009-08-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

It's always a joy when India 2K8 comes down to visit and hang out in San Diego. Today, it was my pleasure to plan a day. We went to Sergios, Balboa Park, illegally checked out the science center, made food at home, and called it a day. Leo said it best during the mealtime: "It's always so much better to eat with people you love around the table". Sorry if that's a misquote.

It was good to spend a day with India 2K8. Now with this stsm 2K9 craze pretty much peaking, it's nice to reflect and still have the fun times with old mission-mates. We had special guest Elaine Lee to keep things new! Woohoo!

Next time, I want the rest of 2K8 to come down. That includes you blog reading ones in particular, JOE and EURRI.

Everything

2009-08-10T02:49:00.000-07:00

One of the most powerful skits I've ever seen is "Everything". Embarrassingly enough, I tear up every time I see the skit because of the riveting message it conveys. God creates us and reveals the wondrous nature of His creation to us. It is ours to take care of and to enjoy. But we mess it all up. Like always.

Here I am, God. I get seduced by the "wonders" of this world. I am fooled into believing that life is a whimsical affair, ready to grab by the horns and too short to be abstaining from the pleasures of our lifestyle. Little do I realize, that I'm really just dancing with the Devil.

After days of emptiness, broken hearts, and feelings of worthlessness, how can I go on? God, I admit. My heart is too weak. The pressures of life weigh down like a ton, squeezing every last breath from this dying soul. Is life worth it? Is it worth all the effort we put into our endeavors-- is it worth living if our livelihood will be stolen away as quickly as it is given to us?

But God, You are worth living for. When life is at its breaking point, all my sin is trying to hold fast to my soul. He doesn't want me to turn to you. The enemy has slashed me and I am wounded, bleeding from a deep cut. Surely, this is my punishment for turning away from You and betraying Your trust. But just before the moment the enemy dishes out the finishing blow, You leap into the fray of battle and take the blade for me.

And isn't that the beauty of it? You may fall too, from the sword that was meant to fall upon MY head and end me. But, You overcome weakness and fight on. The enemy is no longer a threat to me. I am free from tyranny.

The integral aspect of the Gospel is not that we will overcome our sin. No, I believe that sin will haunt us for the rest of our lives. We are always in danger of relapse. We can't overcome our sin. The integral aspect of the Gospel is that Jesus fell and rose again to reveal His glory, so that we may fall and rise again time after time. We live for hope-- I live knowing that I can always be lifted up again even if I fell the thousandth time.

In the words of Lifehouse, how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Donald Duck is a Jerk (and a murderer)

2009-08-03T03:32:00.000-07:00

Are You In?

2009-07-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

These days, it seems that I've been reading a lot of memoirs. I've been reading memoirs of medical interns, surgeons, teenagers suffering from depression, and even a MMA fighter. I'm so intrigued with the lives of others, especially those in the medical profession. Could this mean that I find the field so fascinating that it is my calling?

Oh dear.

Two Lefts don't make a Right, but Three do.

2009-07-16T03:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm in a curious mood. I can't explain what I feel at the moment. It's a mixture of nostalgia, a tinge of sadness, fear of the future, and inexplicable joy. I want extrapolate on all four emotions, but yet, I cannot give clear reasons why I feel the way I feel. As I sit here in the darkness, my roommate Curtis peacefully slumbering away, I decided there's nothing better than just writing in a blog, to a readership that probably only comprises of three people (including me) who may or may not care about my thoughts or what I have to say.

I remember a time right after high school graduation. Spirits were high. I mean, we were graduated! Finally out of high school, out of our parents' clutches, ripe for college, ready to finally grow up and move on. For me, high school senior year and the subsequent summer meant growing even closer to my best friends and spending all the time in the world with them. I recall endless summer nights spent sitting in my car, listening to Relient K, hitting up Starbucks for a late night green tea frapp, or laughing for no reason. It sounds like a setting for a lame high school drama, but man, this was the LIFE.

What was looming over our heads, however, was going to college. We all acknowledged and frequently discussed the topic. Yes, things were never going to be the same. BUT, we were going to stay tight, keep in touch, and always love each other. Don't worry. Don't let fear of the future ruin the fun now. The lesson of the summer: Thoroughly enjoy the time you have with each other, carpe diem status, and cherish the memories. Maybe even remember them tearfully and fondly 2 years later, sitting in a dark room typing on a lame blog.

I remember typing a blog entry once. It can be read HERE. Oh, looking back, how afraid I was. How strangely confident I was, stepping into the unknown and letting God take me places I couldn't even imagine. Most importantly, looking back, I realize how foolish I was, even thinking college was the final chapter. In my head and writings, it's evident I thought of college as the final test before "real life". 2 years in, I realize college is just as much of a bubble as high school was. College is considered, by many, to be the best times in life. I couldn't agree more. Which is why I'm convinced that I still know so little about this world and its workings, and why I am more afraid than I was in high school.

I miss my friends, I really do. I'm starting to sound like a "Story of the Year" album on repeat, but the memories keep me alive. They made me who I am. Thinking back, I can't help but smile. Even if now, things aren't the same or we don't keep in touch anymore, I remind myself of something someone wise once told me.

People come and go. Some people are meant to come for only a brief moment of your life and change you, then leave. Others will remain with you for the rest of your days. Every person you encounter is significant to your growth, even if they only play a very minor role in your life.

With this, I end.

Why I want to be what I want to be.

2009-07-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from Kay Redfield Jamison's memoir on her road to recovery from bipolar disorder and manic depression:

"The debt I owe my psychiatrist is beyond description. I remember sitting in his office a hundred times during those grim months and each time thinking, What on earth can he say that will make me feel better or keep me alive? Well, there never was anything he could say, that's the funny thing. It was all the stupid, desperately optimistic, condescending things he DIDN'T say that kept me alive; all the compassion and warmth I felt from him that could not have been said; all the intelligence, competence, and time he put into it; and his granite belief that mine was a life worth living.

He was terribly direct, which was terribly important, and he was willing to admit the limits of his understanding and treatments and when he was wrong. Most difficult to put into words, but in many ways the essence of everything: he taught me that the road from suicide to life is cold and colder and colder still, but -- with steely effort, the grace of God, and an inevitable break in the weather -- that I could make it."

Quick Thoughts Before Class

2009-07-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

1. I am going broke. Fast.
2. But yet, I work so much.
3. My rate of spending is significantly more than my rate of earning.

4. I must have 4.95 prime rib.

5. I like this summer.

Chinese Democracy

2009-07-03T23:15:00.001-07:00

Take out Chinese food two days in a row does not bode well for your stomach NOR for your general health. Someone should do a "Supersize Me" with take out Chinese. THAT'S where the real killer is.

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

2009-07-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

The past three days, I've been suffering from a number of symptoms. I've had headaches, fatigue, a bit of nausea, and pain in the eyeballs (can you believe it?) It's not just that my eyes hurt, the muscles strapped around my eyeball hurt.

Before tonight, I was oblivious to as why I have these symptoms. But after a little bit of Google magic, I realized I had CAFFEINE WITHDRAWALS. I used to drink coffee every day and love every single cup. I haven't had coffee for about 5 days. I put two and two together and now it all makes sense.

Although I was in pain, I managed to rush out the door to drive to Peet's, chanting "COFFEE!!!!!" like a madman.

And I got my cup o' Joe. And now, the pain is gone.

I am a coffee addict.

The most cliche coffee image ever.

Fall for Anything

2009-06-28T04:07:00.000-07:00

Summer is a good time for a CSO. It's those 2 months that I get to work night shifts (9 pm to 5 am) and pretty much have all that time to myself. Needless to say, I get paid a lot for working "graveyard" shifts. For example, last night, I played Hero of Sparta on my iTouch, enjoyed Chris Caffeineman's company, watched Corpse Bride, and created my extensive and detailed schedule on my Sunbird calendar program.

Tonight, I decided to bring along my PSYC 125 course reader and some study guides to read until 11 PM (that's when we're "allowed" to bust out our laptops). I read some, then at 11 PM, I whipped out my laptop and watched hours of Scrubs and then researched potential future careers in the field that I am currently pursuing.

So, what's the point? Working these long hours in the dark, sitting outside in the terrace part of OVT, I find a lot of time for myself. I find that there is almost an unbearable surplus of time that I can sit here to think about whatever I want to think about and do whatever I want to do. I could buy a Rosetta Stone program or a book or something and learn French. I could practice watercolour painting every time I work and become a watercolour master by the end of summer. My head spins when I think about this time that is so free, so open. It's so paradoxical because most of us WISH we had all the time in the world to do things; like I do now.

Tonight was peculiar. In my reader, I read "A Glass full of Tears". Intrigued by the somewhat melancholy, depressing title, I started reading a memoir by June Lund Shiplett about coping and living with her husband diagnosed with vascular/multi-infarct dementia, an illness that destroys brain cells. It's kind of like Alzheimer's, but worse.

Dementia turned her husband, Charlie, into a highly irrational human being who often forget where he was or who he was. He became plagued with crazy paranoid thoughts that worried June, and he would become infuriated and abusive if she disagreed or tried to be rational. Charlie's dementia grew more severe as the months went by and he became increasingly dangerous. There came a point where June had to admit defeat and "let go" of Charlie to be taken care of by professionals.

What stuck out to me was her love for her husband. Mentioned often in the article was June talking about how Charlie was constantly verbally abusing her or even swinging at her in violence. Other days, Charlie was completely normal and himself, joking around and smiling. This was the man she loved. The other Charlie, the one inflicted with dementia, was a stranger; so cold and so detestable. Her dedication to her husband, despite the sheer difficulty of dealing and living with him, is admirable and amazing. June doubted God often, questioning His purpose and plan. But in the end, her love for Charlie was so deep.

I'll leave with this quote in her memoir:

"....And I think the best way is to stick out your chin, keep your faith, and a heart full of love. I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was and that love is one of the strongest emotions we have as human beings. Love is not just wanting to be with someone all the time, and it isn't just the physical excitement and touching, it's sharing who and what you are with that other person. It's giving yourself unconditionally, without thought to reward. It's hanging on when you don't think you can possibly hang on any longer."

Broken Toy

2009-06-18T00:36:00.001-07:00

The end of my finals week is the same as the end of last year's finals week. It's that time of year when I probably gain the most weight. It's the time of year when I'm most tired and most frustrated with every little detail of my life. It's that time of year when I'm most likely to explode on someone or something.

Brand New put it best, I feel like a toy whose batteries have run dry. And I need renewal. I have two weeks to rest in between finals week and my first week of summer session. Once summer session starts, the onslaught of my two jobs and schoolwork will commence.

I need recharge!

I love you, You are my friend.

2009-05-18T02:55:00.001-07:00

*Disclaimer: I don't claim to be speaking the Absolute Truth in this post, but just interesting speculation on a topic that I find difficult to grasp*

If there's one concept in my faith that will continue to baffle nonbelievers and even some believers, it's the Trinity. There are times when I think about it and I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of One God and Three persons. It's an idea that separates our faith from "Christian" cults like Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses. I guess logically, it makes no sense. How can there be three persons in one God "persona"? It's not that there are three separate Gods. He's one, but yet He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I guess to deepen confusion, in the Gospels, Jesus was definitely walking around and being "human" while there was still a "God" up in Heaven, expressing his approval of His son. And on the cross, didn't Jesus cry out to "The Father"? So how can this be one God? I guess it would entirely make sense that God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are definitely three separate people. I mean, the word "Trinity" doesn't even appear once in the Word. It's only implied by the pronoun "we" in certain verses throughout.

I'm going to shamelessly borrow what I learned and read in The Shack by WM. Paul Young. I think most of what I read in this book really shed a very logical light on difficult topics. The Trinity was one of them. As some of you might know, this book is a "memoir" of sorts about a man named Mack who gets to spend a weekend with God in a remote cabin where his daughter was allegedly murdered. There, he is able to ask God questions about anything and everything he's always had doubts about when it came to his faith. And ultimately, Mack comes to terms with his loss, which has caused great pain that has created a rift between him and God.

But back to the Trinity. First of all, we will never be able to grasp the wonder of God's nature. We are like a small cup. The Knowledge of God and His workings are the water in a large pitcher. We can only understand so much, but there's so much about God that will always remain mysterious to us. Besides, who will want to worship a God that is fully comprehended?

"We are not three gods, and we are not talking about one god with three attitudes, like a man who is a husband, father, and worker. I am one God and I am three persons, and each of the three is fully and entirely the one."

If God were simply one God and only one Person, then we would be missing something essential. We would be missing love and relationship. Love and relationship is possibly for us only because God Himself is the relationship. Love isn't the limitation, but rather God IS love. 1st John can confirm this.

This is where it got somewhat confusing, but yet made sense to me.

God would not be capable of love if He did not have a relationship within Himself. If we had a One-person God, he might only be able to love out of his limitations, which means he could act without love. And that is NOT our God. Our God CANNOT ACT APART FROM LOVE.

The Trinity is a perfect representation of Love, the Love that IS God. The Father, the Son, and Spirit are all essential to each other, and all Persons love each other very much. SO much love, in fact, that their relationship makes them ONE.

Whoaa. It reminds me of how man and wife become united in one flesh when they are married and love each very much. But God Himself is PERFECT Love, meaning God has PERFECT Unity, within Himself.

Each three Personas also had three different "functions" which ultimately made ONE perfect plan for us. God the Father created the world and concocted the master plan. God the son came to our world, became fully human, yet fully God, and lived a life here on earth as we should live, in perfect harmony with God the Father (at least until He took the cup of wrath for us). Through his death and resurrected, the Son executed the master plan. The Spirit is ultimately God working through us actively. All things are possible because of the Spirit working through us, growing us daily, allowing us to produce fruit.

So to recap, the Trinity is a concept of ONE God, but with three Persons in perfect relationship with each other as to represent PERFECT LOVE, which is GOD. Because God = Love. And because of this, God loves us unconditionally and perfectly. That's why He would send His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us to save us from eternal separation from His Love. And in turn, we are able to have love and relationships within our own lives with our future spouses, children, family, and friends (as imperfect as it is) We love because God loved first.

All I have to say to this is, wow. Love is seriously what it's all about.

Instead of a Show

2009-04-29T01:43:00.000-07:00

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your
singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood
of justice
An endless procession of righteous
living, living
Instead let there be a flood
of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you’re praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there’s blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don’t fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there’s blood on your hands

Ah! let’s argue this out
if your sins are blood red
let’s argue this out
you’ll be white as the clouds
let’s argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can’t love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can’t stand up at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show

Rebuked...

Narrow Stairs

2009-04-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

I just found out that CSOs have priority registration! Meaning, my class registration day is on day 1 of registration! WOOHOO!! I don't know why we got it, but I'm not going to complain. I'll finally take all the classes that I want to take. Goodbye to wait-listing forever.

I'm seeing Jon Foreman tonight. Bye!

*useless post*

Tell Her About It

2009-04-19T02:21:00.001-07:00

I bought a betta fish today. His name is Sigmund Freud. You can call him Siggy. It's like how science nerds and geniuses name their pets after famous scientists, such as Newton or Einstein. Freud is my source of inspiration for my studies. Yeah, I know, Freud is wack and I don't exactly think most of his theories are valid or sound. But Freud is more recognizable and sounds better than James (after William James) or Jung.

Tonight, I had a BBQ with the homies. Homies = suitemates from last year. It was a lot of fun. I made some bomb potatoes with rosemary, salt, garlic powder, parmesan cheese, and pepper, drizzled with olive oil. The steaks Adrian made were pretty awesome as well.

Have you ever felt that life is just passing you by and you barely have time to breath?

Am I joking? I'm sure everyone feels that.

Enjoy the Silence

2009-04-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

I decided, it's not fair to judge anything before you have tried it or before you have thoroughly researched and educated yourself about it. Such a simple, obvious lesson, but it took a while for me. So here are two examples of how I've been trying to practice my new philosophy:

I talked trash about Twilight. Edward Cullen? Vampires? A whole book filled with glorified adjectives about the impossible attractiveness of a vampire? No thank you. Not to mention a horrid movie was also released. I was genuinely appalled by the whole Twilight craze, especially the throng of girls who are ready to sell their hearts for the sexy fictional pale-skinned, auburn hair, beautiful, perfect straight nose, piercing ice cold brown eyes, *insert more adjectives* Edward Cullen.

But alas, I have judged this entire franchise without giving it a chance. The craze may be a bit much, but who knows? Maybe the book may offer intrigue and end up being an excellent read. So I picked up Twilight for 4 bucks off Half.com and I've started reading it as a bathroom read. I'll let you guys know how I like it.

Secondly, Tristina challenged me about sorority girls. She asked me why I hate sororities so much. And I gave some typical answers like, "Bleh, there's just no purpose! All they do is drink and pay money to have friends!" And then she asked me how I know that. And I say, "Just look at Facebook and it's just obvious through pictures. And I have some friends in sororities too, it's just dumb". Furthermore, she pushed my buttons by saying "But how do you know all of them are like that, what about the ones who don't drink? What about sorority girls who are in it for connections and for valid reasons?" To that, I just say "Bah humbug". I admit that I do judge them, although I am honestly not really tight or close with any one of them to know them that well.

But today, I talked to a sorority girl and asked her all types of questions about her sorority. After somewhat of an educational conversation, I concluded this:

Sororities still have no point; all you do is dress up and attend events, which usually involves drinking. "You pay to have a social life (1200 a year). You don't really make friends unless you really make the effort anyway". Direct quote from the girl.

Well, done deal. I still don't like sororities.

Lovefool

2009-04-09T01:10:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts of the day:

1. I don't write in my blog enough.

2. I want to watch Tae Guk Gi and feel the BROTHERHOOD.

3. I don't want to work tomorrow =(.

4. I STILL haven't cleaned my room. It's been 3 weeks now.

5. It feels good to actually get work done. EARLY. and AHEAD OF TIME.

6. My classes are interesting!

I feel like I need to prioritize and get my life back into shape.

See, I hate typing that. Because I feel like I've regurgitated that same exact statement hundreds of times throughout my life. I sound like a broken record. I have never at one point felt that my life was completely in my control. I guess it goes to say that it probably never will be. My life will always be unpredictable and exciting. Not because exciting things happen to me, but because the unexpected always seems to pop up when I'm not paying attention.

I bought Trader Darwin's COMPLETE EFA (flaxseed, borage seed & fish oils) all in one dietary supplement because I want to take care of my brain. Does anyone think all these supplements and crazes about miracle foods are all a fluke? I'm willing to take my chances and take these supplements if it means my brain will live for a long, long time. One of the things I fear most is the deterioration of my memory and cognitive functions. Of course, if my brain does go kapoot, I probably wouldn't be all that aware of the dearth of my condition and it wouldn't matter to me. But, the thought makes me shudder still. My brain is what I have to continue to live life vicariously and be conscious of my heart (not just the beating organ, but everything I love and care about).

DAN

Vindicated

2009-03-31T02:44:00.001-07:00

I just want to let my blog readers know:

I haven't been, nor have I even tried, to be the best that I could and should be.

I say I want to give love, accountability, and friendship.

I fail in all aspects.

But what I love is that every time I fall, there is always room for redemption. Sometimes, I feel bad because it's like, dang, what if I'm taking advantage of God's grace, knowing He'll always love me and accept me in all my dirtiness. But, I know that worrying about that will cheapen God's grace. I don't want to fall into trying to pay God back or be legalistic.

Forgive me friends!

Strawberry Days

2009-03-26T01:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't know about you guys...but I really want to go try the Kogi tacos. I just hear nothing but good things about it. I always hear about how packed it is and how they use Korean bbq meat for their tacos. I even went on their website and salivated after looking through their pictures. I was doing my business in my parent's bathroom and saw the Kogi truck featured on the front page of the Korean news. THAT'S HOW KOGI IS TAUNTING ME RIGHT NOW.

So, I must go. I MUST GO.

The Lining is Silver

2009-03-22T01:37:00.000-07:00

Trying to live life without God feels empty.

This, I learned throughout high school; back when I thought I could do it on my own, throw off my "religion" yoke and finally become immersed in this huge, diverse world. People will have you believe that your vision is clouded and you are narrow-minded if you continue to cling onto this childish belief in a God. And for a time, I agreed. I felt, who are Christians to judge this and that, just because their God said so? It didn't make sense.

But call it the God delusion. Call it the God gene. Try to attribute the spiritual highs to abnormal physiology or elevated emotion. Tell me that I'm just finding an excuse to not deal with my problems by so easily trusting in my God. SAY IT. I'm being unrealistic.

But I can't live without God. He gives me a peace that the world cannot provide. The comfort I get from God, I can't find in anything else, not my accomplishments, not even my friends and family, nothing. Knowing the extent of His grace, knowing His LOVE. How can I not rejoice?

How can I not worship?

There Can Be No Dispute That Monsters Live Among Us

2009-03-14T03:35:00.000-07:00

Do you think Ginkgo Biloba supplement pills will really work in improving my memory capacity?

We will find out soon enough!!

In other news, it is officially finals week.

Additionally, I am screwed because it is finals week!

Finally, this weekend is ruined because it is finals week!

I encourage everyone to study hard and not party hard. Sleep too little, eat too late, study sparingly, and hang out excessively. THIS IS FINALS WEEK.

If "FINALS" were an emissary sent to me asking me to give up my week to its supreme majesty and be subject to its rule, I would kick Finals down a bottomless well.

19th Nervous Breakdown

2009-03-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

No, I really haven't had 19 nervous breakdowns.

But It's almost 5 AM.

I'm halfway through my 12 pages of Muir 50 essay.

I have approximately 10 hours to finish this mess.

19. 5. 12. 50. 10.

Decipher.me

The Ice is Getting Thinner

2009-03-02T03:20:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to love some people?

My patience is spread so thin.

But I must love them.

All I taste today is what's her name.

2009-02-26T02:32:00.000-08:00

Blogs are meant to be our own spot on the inter-web where we can post our thoughts, feelings, and opinions for the public to acknowledge and criticize. Right?

Blogs are where you post certain things to scream for attention and tell people, "HEY, this is what I'm thinking and I want you to read this and care about it!" It's where we pour out our hearts (sometimes) and where we post things that we secretly want certain people to read.

So here I go, and forgive my extreme emotion.

Today, I didn't want to wake up. I wish I could've just slept through today. I wish I could just sleep through this entire week until the weekend.

Wake me up when this week ends, please.

But also today, I found comfort in friendship. A smile and hug that ultimately warmed the cold winter of my inner being.

Today, I found that I was thankful I woke up. Because as much as I want to sleep my problems away and sleep until it gets better, the days are worth the problems. The day isn't complete without a little bit of trouble and worry.

I guess it goes along with the idea that you have to go down to come back up?

If it weren't for the low points, I wouldn't even know how high the high points really are.

Crayons can melt on us for all I care.

2009-02-25T02:00:00.000-08:00

At times, silence is golden and can express what a thousand words cannot.

Sometimes, it's best to hold back what you want to say and bite your tongue.

At times, inaction is action. Not doing what you want to do is doing exactly what you should be doing.

I throw up my hands in frustration and go on with life.

Love Jealous One, Love

2009-02-22T02:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like the most embarrassing things happen to me fairly often. I always tell people that I can write an amazingly thick book about my awkward moments. Today was no exception. I had a "guy's night out" with Erection (Eric Shin) and Sheldon (Eugene). We originally planned to just hang out at Fashion Valley and perhaps window shop, go eat at Onami's, and call it a night. But due to my spontaneity and penchant for having fun, we did so much more.

We couldn't find Fashion Valley. I completely forgot it was off the 163, so I instead drove down the 8 East. Becoming suspicious, I called Tristina to clarify the location of Fashion Valley. She told me to take the 163 south, get off Friars. Okay, good stuff. I turn back, 8 West and get on the 163 South. My face soon became etched with chagrin as I found myself driving in the streets of Downtown San Diego towards Balboa Park. Definitely not Fashion Valley. Sheldon and Eric began to fume with anger and yelled at me for not being able to find directions well. I texted Tristina saying she gave me the wrong directions and she apologized profusely. That girl.

So we never found ourselves at Fashion Valley but instead went to Mission Valley where Onami's was. We hung out at Target. And stuff. This is where the real story begins:

We were in Puptastic (or whatever, it was one of those "trendy" dog stores, like Barkworks) and Eric was goo-goo-eyed over the puppies. While he was preoccupied, Sheldon waved at me and we silently left the store. Laughing to ourselves, we chanced upon a photo booth and thought "Let's make Eric jealous by taking hilarious pictures and rub it in his face that we had so much fun!"

So we did.

However, the machine was confusing. And I tried to choose the "best friends" theme, but instead the machine chose "lovers" for us. As if it weren't inappropriate enough, the machine decided "sepia" was the best scheme, although we wanted "color". Sheldon and I took the four pictures, one of them being a hand heart.

The pictures look legitimately gay. Like, damn, if you didn't know us, you'd think we have the hots for each other. Sheldon, yummy.

We go to Onami's and everything's fine. The food is fantastic. But I leave my pictures on the table after we leave. I realize this when we've been out for about 10 minutes already.

I go back to Onami's and don't find the picture on the table.

"Um, excuse me, did you-" Without even letting me finish, the waitress gives me a strange look and says "Yeah, I put it in the front". She gives me another look and I'm feeling very hot in the back of my neck all of a sudden.

"Excuse me sir, the waitress told me that -"

"Yeah, here."

The host looks at the picture and hands it to me, again, giving me a very quizzical and forced accepting look. I snatch the picture from his hands and literally run away.

Sheldon points and laughs, but realizes he's in the picture too and we're both so very fruity.

The end.

p.s. Watch Coraline; I loved it! 8/10

Horses in the Sky

2009-02-17T02:05:00.000-08:00

I'm procrastinating. As usual.

Writing an essay about bottled water and why it is a bane to a sustainable, healthy society is not as fun as it sounds.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE The Sound of Animals Fighting. But I don't think a lot of people can appreciate them. Honest.

I like to FEEL my music, not just listen.

If you can't play music with passion, then it's not worth it.

Music is too powerful. It toys with your emotions.

But remember, art is hard.

You gotta recreate your misery. Sink to swim.

Sometimes, I secretly wish I wasn't doing psychology or history, but instead pursuing music. That's if I didn't care about stability and money.

But already, I don't even have the true musician's heart.

If I cared so much about stability and music, I don't belong in the music industry.

I don't want to become a capitalist slave to corporate and churn out those hits to please the crowd. I want to please the right crowd with music made from the heart, even if it's not going to sell big. Immortal Technique, anyone?

Appreciate.

Give Up!

2009-02-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not signing onto AIM and FACEBOOK until NEXT FRIDAY, FEB 20th, at 11:59 PM.

I need some more discipline. If I can keep this up for a week, then I may consider a MONTH (!?!). I dunno, I just need less of it, more time for other things.

If you want to hang or talk, CALL ME!

1 Minute, 1 Second

2009-02-04T04:01:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot.

Yeah, that sounds kind of funny. I've just had a lot of time just to ponder the deeper issues of life, especially because as a CSO, I just bike around aimlessly for hours. One of the things that hit me lately is the topic of LOVE. Weird huh? Why would I think about love so randomly? Is it because of my relationship? Is it because February is a month when "love" explodes and paints the world pink and red?

Love is overrated. Overplayed. I'm sure if you've had a relationship in high school, you probably said the 3 epic words: I love you; to your "significant other". Probably briefly mentioned marriage. Think back, and you were so naive to even say such powerful words to a girl or boy you were heavily infatuated with. People say "I love you" one day, but break it off the next day after a "hard fight". People say "I love you" another day, and show otherwise. I'm annoyed. I'm pissed. The word "love" has become overused and has been mashed into a swirl of word vomit, part of the necessary lexicon of couples who feel so strongly for each other. How can we even be sure you mean it? How do we know you're not just saying it just to pressure the other person to say it back so that you can inflate your own ego? How can we be sure that you're not just saying it just because you think it's proper and necessary to say the words?

To understand love, we have to stop looking at chick flicks, tv shows, and sappy romantic songs. We have to look beyond the Korean dramas with the same formula: jerk + down-to-earth girl + cute dates + drama + difficult parents/friends + music = love love love. We have to look towards the only love that has never seemed to have failed us. GOD loved us first, so we love.

So I came to define love in my own way based on what I can learn from God's love for us. Love isn't only passionate and intimate. It's not just a fiery spark that leads to intense feelings and longing to see each other. Love is COMMITTED. We won't always like our spouse, but that doesn't mean we stopped loving them. God is committed to us. We mess up all the time and basically slap Him across the face with our iniquity and rebellion. But, He continues to forgive and love. Imagine if God was like a typical girlfriend or boyfriend and you have small little quibbles with God about how much you spend time with Him, how your love for him fluctuates (sometimes you feel all tight with God, sometimes not), and whatnot; He'd break up with your sorry self within seconds. God doesn't deserve someone like you, me, or anyone else on this earth. Right?

God loves His church enough to give us His son. Love is committed. Love is HUMBLE. There was no holding back. God never held back. He gave us His one and only son. God gave us the greatest gift. Jesus humbled Himself before us by being obedient to His Father, taking on our sins, and dying for us. I guess a lot of people would say that love is sacrificial. But I think it's more than that. Sacrifice is only part of it. Sacrifice implies a greater quality, which is humility. Jesus put Himself down so we could be raised and brought before the Father without judgment.

In this way, we should learn something about "true love". We all want it one day and continue to search for it. But the Bible is clear about a marriage representing God and His love for the Church. So may we strive to LOVE as God loves. Our love will always be imperfect; we will fail. But we have comfort in knowing that there is Love that is unfailing.

God is love, my friends.

Running (Dying to Live)

2009-01-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

Running at the track is something I do to maintain my relatively low stress level. At the track, it is void of the usual hustle and bustle of campus. There are usually no other people, maybe the occasional one or two runners. The night air is crisp and bitterly cold, but running in such weather is perfect for me. I love feeling my throat freeze up as I inhale the cold air and seeing my breath dissipate into the space before me as I exhale. It's a liberating feeling and there's nothing like it.

But you thought this post was about the beauty of solitude in running and how it is significant to the private workings of my complex lifestyle and mind. But it's really about something embarrassing that happened to me today.

Tonight, I was stretching at the track with Eric. There was no one else on the track. I really had to relieve myself, drain the lizard, wee-wee, whatever. Seeing as how empty the entire area was and that there was an inviting patch of shrubbery (God made it so I could pee in it), I decided to just go pee in the bushes, like any rational and desperate human being would do.

But as my luck would have it, at the precise moment I'm at the prime of my relieving process, a mysterious car turns from the street INTO the track gate and starts heading towards me. Frantically, I try to shake out the remaining liquid in my bladder. Eric starts yelling at me, informing me that a car is heading my way. As if this wasn't embarrassing enough, stream lights flash on and shed light directly on me and my package. It just had to be the cops.

I pull up my pants and casually walk away from the squad car as it inches towards me. All sorts of thoughts run through my head. I really hope this isn't that stupid anal cop who would write you up for not wearing a helmet when biking or "lewd act in public" for peeing in the bushes. He pulls up finally to Eric and me. I turn around and say "Whatsup officer?", as if nothing had happened. He has a huge grin on his face and asks "There's a truck parked outside, it wouldn't happened to be yours, would it?"

Knowing immediately that there is definitely no truck parked outside, I shrug and tell him I know nothing about it. He gives me one last look and drives off, probably laughing to himself and making a mental note to share this hilarious story with the boys at the station.

The end.

Good Day

2009-01-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm awake right now at 10:33 AM because I have a CSO general meeting in 27 minutes.

The sun is up. I want to take a shower so bad because I feel grungy and dirty, but the hot water has been shut off for two days (!!!). My body feels tired. My mind feels tired. Complain complain complain!

But yet, I somehow know it's going to be a good day.

Despite everything that could go wrong, I know it's going to be alright.

I'll leave with this excerpt from "Waiting Here" by Reuben Morgan, one of my favorite songs in times when comfort is needed:

Everything will work out.

When I see You

I know I'll understand.

Amen.

- Dan

The New Year

2009-01-08T00:47:00.000-08:00

It's been 8 day into the New Year.

So many things are happening in my life already for 2009. Unbelievable!

It's going to be a big year, I can just feel it. 2008 went by too fast. It seems like it ended right as it was just starting to get good. But 2009 is bound to feel the same. Sometimes, I feel like we just let time slip by us and we don't recognize until it's too late.

I'm freaking tired. good night! sorry for this useless post =)

- Dan

I am in a Perpetual State

2008-12-31T12:02:00.001-08:00

Of Writer's Block.

or maybe it's because it's break and I have nothing interesting to say.

HERE'S TO A NEW YEAR, 2009, of intense blogging and out-of-this-world, mindblowing insight into life by me!

I'm kidding.

BYE! =)

I Celebrate the day.

2008-12-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

Don't get enamored and carried away by Christmas trees, bright lights, wrapped presents, fat jolly Santas, and snow.

Become enamored by celebrating the day when our Savior was born to die for us to live.

Merry Christmas!!

With all I am

2008-12-07T03:25:00.000-08:00

There are two anecdotes that Jesus gives that always get to me. These two anecdotes always involve two people. One who may be considered "righteous" and "well-off", the elite of society, the one with plenty. The other is considered "dirt", poor and needy in both materialism and spirit. These stories drive deep into my heart because I know (but hate to admit) that I am mostly in the position of the first person, rather than the latter.

One speaks of a Pharisee who prays to God. In his prayer, he thanks God that he's nothing like the riffraff who is behind him. He praises God for uplifting him to a good righteous position, supposedly free of the poison that plagues the weak and evil.

The other man, sinful to the bone, dares not even approach anywhere close to God. Instead, he beats his chest and repents heavily for his sin. He knows he is wrong. He admits to his wretchedness. This other man exercises utmost humility in knowing that he is in no way CLOSE to following after God's own heart.

The second anecdote speaks of a rich man who gives a portion of his wealth. Even a portion of his wealth is a hefty amount, enough to raise eyebrows and keep any ministry running. Then there is the destitute woman who gives a mere 2 coins, nearly worthless compared to the rich man's offering. However, the 2 coins is EVERYTHING that she has. Which was the better offering? The woman's because she held nothing back; she gave all she had to the Lord. The rich man, as much as he did give a "higher amount", he still held back.

Which people can you relate to the most in these stories?

I think for myself, it's the Pharisee and the rich man. I have so much pride that I can't admit that I have so much baggage and darkness in my life. I continually refuse to be humble and come before the Lord in my brokenness. I want to fix myself.

I feel I can never give it my all. There are so many things that hold me back from following the Lord completely. And I desire one day to really be able to give everything, even my LIFE. I want to be able to say one day that I will follow God wherever He takes me, no matter the cost. But to what extent will I follow?

I guess the real prayer in my heart is not only for humility, but also FAITH. Trust in God that He is the only one who can wipe away my darkness, TRUST that my life, wherever it goes, is exactly where it belongs.

Please GT with me! I want to seek out accountability.

Every Breath You Take

2008-12-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

When I think about fall quarter, I am amazed at how quickly it passed me by. Maybe all of you relate to experiencing the whirlwind-speed of 10 weeks. I STILL feel like missions wasn't all that long ago. I still feel like the first few weeks were not too long ago (they weren't). All the fun times, the stressful times, and key events were not all that long ago.

At the same time, it feels like it was such a long time ago. Like missions was a dream that is quickly fading. Like KCM orientation was years ago. It's ironic that time can feel like it passed really quickly, but also very slowly at the same time. It almost devastates me to think that this is how time is slipping quickly from our grasp. I want to hold on, cling on to a time where things seem to be going well. I don't want to face times of sufferings and tribulations, which I know are to come. I want to hold on, but alas, my grip is always slipping. Never strong enough.

Thank You for Hearing Me

2008-11-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.

Yes, I suppose it helps my birthday coincides with it.

I suppose it doesn't hurt to mention that Thanksgiving celebrations imply a succulent feast with a juicy turkey, creamy mashed potatoes, sweet cranberry sauce, stuffing, and soft pumpkin pie.

I guess it's easy to miss the point of thanksgiving.

We should ALWAYS have a heart of thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for my family. They're always so supportive. And even when I don't show them that much love, they never fail to show me love anyway. They are my FAMILY.

I'm thankful for my friends. You guys are the reason I am able to go on. When the times get tough, I'm glad to say I have brothers and sisters in Christ all around me to help pick me back up.

I'm thankful for my God. He provides. He is sovereign. Nothing in my life is my own. Perhaps to a non-Christian, that sounds defeatist, self-depreciating, and all-in-all, quite depressing. But I find so much joy in knowing that God has His hand over me. If I were on my own, I would succumb to darkness and eventually to my ruin.

If God is for us, then who can be against us?

If God gave us the ultimate gift of salvation through His one and only son, then what wouldn't He give us??

Sometimes, I think we just need to OPEN OUR EYES. We moan and complain about not having this or that. But do you really know what it is to have nothing? I don't believe so.

Thank you God.

Green Light

2008-11-26T04:41:00.000-08:00

God, will you give me strength?

Will you give me wisdom?

Will you give me the discernment I need to do what is right?

Thank you.

Much has been changing in my heart.

Much is changing, period.

Usually, I hate writing ambiguous, "poetic" posts. Mostly because I hate reading them. I feel like the writer is trying too hard to appear "artsy" and "abstract", by using profound vocabulary in sentences as short and concise as they can be. In turn, this confuses the reader and makes one very curious to what the subject matter is.

But I'm sorry, I have to leave you guys at that.

PRAYER:

- For the homeless. Please.

Sing, Sing, Sing

2008-11-20T03:59:00.000-08:00

Time flies.

There's barely any time to relax when there's so much to do. Many items clutter up my to-do list.

I seriously despise math. Why did such a stupid subject have to become the "language of the universe"? I've heard countless reasons why math is such a fun and good subject.

"It's straightforward!"

"There's always an answer."

"I love solving problems!"

I disagree heavily! I hate it. It's so rigid that there's no room for much creativity. You got the formulas. You have the progression of steps necessary to solve the problem. There is no room to go wild, no room to experiment. The answer is either right or wrong or unsolvable.

What a stupid subject.

I'm just bitter because I suck at math. I'm redeeming myself with this 2nd round of Math 20B. The midterm is on Friday (Which is tomorrow, joy!) and I have to pass this sucker to have confidence of passing the class (finally).

I'VE BEEN HAVING A THOUGHT LATELY.

It's been bothering me a lot. It's something I pray about these days because I need comfort. I need to be put in my place. I need to quell my pride.

I've always been frustrated with not being able to change people. You have a friend who indulges in certain things and you know it's not good for him or her. You want to tell him or her to stop without sounding too preachy or judgmental. I want to tell him that he shouldn't do the things he does because he knows better. He knows Christ, so he should definitely know better. His reasons are petty. His justifications are weak. I talk and talk, probably sounding preachy.

But I get sucked back into reality, when I realize a lot of my words fall empty upon his unopened ears. He goes and does it again and I'm just pissed. Do you not understand what I'm trying to say?!?

All the reasons seriously make so much sense in my head and my heart.

Then I realize, it's GOD who changes hearts. I should be praying for him, not trying to change him with methods of persuasion and solid arguments. I can give the best reasons in the world, but it can mean nothing to him because his heart isn't ready to hear it and accept it. And only God can break down and mold a sinner's heart.

I wish I could change and help people. But that's my pride talking to me, saying "Hey Dan, you have power to shape people's lives if you just say the right thing!"

Yeah right.

Pray for me.

Get it together.

2008-11-18T01:55:00.000-08:00

I've slowly begun to understand. I've come to a realization that a Christian lifestyle is progressive. One might think, "That's stupid, of course it's progressive!" But for such a simple fact, it's pretty overlooked. You know because of how we live, think, act, and speak in our day to day lives. You can say you're Christian. I think many people can profess to believe in Jesus Christ. The sad statistic is how many people can walk the talk. Due to my experiences and observations, I have hypothesized that you simply cannot just look at an average Christian and know that he or she is a Christian. Simply because we can profess the faith, but find it extremely difficult to live out a Christ-centered life full of fruit and humility.

I've been thinking a lot about accountability these days. We had a talk in servant team meeting amongst our SA sophomores. Logically, accountability does not fail because we simply do not bother to ask the right questions or because we don't have time to meet with each other. I think the failure of accountability has a much deeper root than simple excuses.

Failure of accountability comes because each individual person isn't pursuing a relationship with God. This doesn't mean you have to be righteous, totally holy, got your life together, and honorary Christian warrior. It could simply mean that even as a broken sinner, you continue to thirst and seek after God with a willing heart. You don't have to feel like a super Christian, but rather a Christian who knows he/she is not super and is willing to conform to God's will.

Frankly, if you don't care about your relationship with God, then how could you care about trying to find encouragement and be encouraging to another brother or sister about it? If you played golf in high school, but didn't really care about it, then there's a very slim chance you would seek out a teacher or a peer to help you improve on your golf swings.

But there could be exceptions I suppose, such as one-sided accountability. If one person tries to encourage a spiritually-dead person and succeeds by perseverance, then all the power! But as always, accountability is best when both people are equally passionate about growing in their relationship with God TOGETHER.

Accountability appears to be difficult to find.

I will pray tonight.

Seek God always.

This is...

2008-11-14T05:13:00.000-08:00

So, I'm really hating a few things right now.

The list includes (but is not limited to):

1) Moldy foods

2) Black dust

3) Split lip

4) Knowing that time is short

5) Lack of money

6) Feelings of inadequacy.

But I'm loving:

1) Almonds

2) Dried Pears

3) Ruby Red Grapefruit juice

My life is so dull. It's nothing but school school school with KCM and Halo thrown in here and there. I wish something would spark up my life and make it interesting. Am I asking for too much? Am I being naive for thinking that my life right now is dull? Probably.

I just need to open my eyes.

Where the Love lasts forever.

2008-10-12T02:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry too much.

Maybe that seems like a stupid statement. Of course I worry. Everyone worries about something! Nothing is right in this world. At any given moment, something can be going wrong. Something is deviating from what you would deem satisfactory and stable. It's just a constant reminder of how broken this world is and how uncomfortable we must be living this life.

I obviously don't completely trust in God. If I worry about such petty things such as schoolwork, my GPA, and finances, I don't trust that He has something great in store for me, despite any "failures". And because I don't trust, we can deduce that I have very little faith in God. In Greek, faith and trust are synonymous.

Someone needs to come over here and slap me in the face. How can I NOT trust in God? Look at everything He's done for me, all the blessings. Think about INDIA. Countless times has God shown His hand working powerfully in our lives. We have seen our worlds shaken, lives changed, and people saved. Yet, we do not trust completely.

I'm constantly reminded of the Israelites in Exodus. We are the Israelites in the Exodus times. How foolish do those people seem to you! God split the Red Sea right before their very eyes, provided manna in the desert, dished out 10 plagues upon their enemies, Egypt, and delivered them from slavery. YET, they complain, make golden calves, grumble, vocally express their desire to go back to Egypt, and FORGET. These are people who have seen God's very power before their eyes, so explicitly, so clearly, it's unmistakable. STILL, they have the nerve to complain to God and distrust Him. We are the very same. We can see God working in the most extraordinary times and the most ordinary times. Our hearts and minds are CHANGED because of Him. And yet, we find reason to complain.

We're unbelievable.

Forgive me of my lack of faith.

This life is so hard. So easy to let faith waver. So easy to lose trust. But God is eternal and faithful to us. We draw back, but He always pulls us back to Him. And you know, it takes SURRENDER.

I leave you with the chorus of one of my favorite songs:

So I throw my life upon all You are

'Cause I know You gave it all for me

And when all else fades,

My soul will dance with You,

Where the love lasts forever.

We press on towards our true Home.

- Dan

Neighborhood #3: Life is crazy.

2008-10-03T02:37:00.000-07:00

I just dropped my MUS 11: Folk Music class today because I thought about it long and hard. The class, easy A as it may be, isn't worth it. Frankly, I'm not very interested in it.

I'm here at college not only to get a degree as fast as I can and throw myself into the real world. I'm here to explore, learn, and challenge myself. I want to fulfill my requirements, but at the same time be able to do the classes that will truly stretch my mind.

This quarter, I'm going to really get into my major.

I am taking:

PSYC 3: Cognitive Foundations

PSYC 60: Statistics

COGS 17: Neuroscience and Cognition

MATH 20B: Calculus

So we'll see where this takes me.

The brain is fun to learn about.

- Dan

Electric Relaxation

2008-09-24T03:37:00.001-07:00

Life is so hectic.

I've been moved in now.

I don't know why I'm struggling so much with something that's seemingly nothing.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with thoughts that run through my head, and nothing that is actually happening physically.

God, will you break me and strengthen me through these ordeals.

Will you be my refuge?

My Rock and my Redeemer?

I need You.

- Dan

Can I kick it?

2008-09-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

I know I'm doing something wrong if I become too comfortable in this life.

We're made apart from this world. Meaning we'll never find true rest and peace in our lifetime, which really scares me. Knowing that society tells you to pursue happiness via financial success, families, and inner peace and acceptance; we know better.

Don't you wish you could be comfortable? Just sit back and kick it. Let life pass you by, nothing tugging at your heart to take action and do something about the brokenness of this world.

But alas, God calls each of His chosen to go forth, spread His word, create disciples, reach out to the lost, and fight for truth.

- Dan

This is the future sound.

2008-09-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

In my summer agenda, here's what's left:

- Wicked Musical _Tuesday, September 09

- USC visit _Wednesday, September 10

- UCSD KCM Servant Team Retreat _Thursday-Saturday, September 11-13

- Traffic School _Monday, September 15

- Early Move-In _Friday, September 19

I only got a week and a half left before I move back in to San Diego for my 2nd year! I must say, I'm pretty psyched to go back and see all my friends and hang out till the wee hours of dawn. I hate to admit this, but I miss going to class and learning and doing something productive. I miss NOT being productive on purpose. Ah! Sophomore year brings new challenges and new struggles, but also more good times. So bring it on!

I was so blessed last night at the bonfire at Dockweiler. We were singing praise and praying for various topics. We were being somewhat loud so that the neighboring pits could hear what we were saying/praying/singing. I thought we were being pretty annoying, but it was quite the opposite. A man named David and his friend/brother(?) Alex and his daughter came over and they listened to us sing 4 songs and pray. He told us that he was really touched by what we were doing and saying. It got to his heart somehow. David told us that he was not a believer until that moment he witnessed us proclaiming our praises to God.

This was simply an amazing moment when I saw God moving physically in our world. What I thought was us just singing praise and praying around a fire was actually God using us powerfully to reach out to two lost souls in the fire-pit next to us. God worked in their hearts so that they would listen carefully to the words we said. Something stirred in their hearts.

Did you feel the mountains tremble?

Did you feel the people tremble?

And we can see that God you're moving, a mighty river through the nations.

It reminds me of John 13:35 when Jesus tells his disciples that the world will know that we follow our Lord because of our love for each other.

Apparently what David witnessed was something he had not seen something before, fellow brothers and sisters of Christ lifting up praises and prayers in one voice because of our love for God and each other.

- Dan

And what shall remain?

2008-09-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." ~ 1st Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

I love 1st Corinthians 13. It's most well known for being the "Love" chapter, quoted generously by lovers of love, printed on mugs and plates to become inspirational keepsakes, and made famous by "A Walk to Remember". The entire chapter is so clear about the definition of love, everything it embodies, and everything it is not. It's one of those passages in the Bible that you just can't help but smile when reading, because you know that the love described by the words inscribed by Paul to the Corinthians is one that is given to us by a Perfect Father.

We are so fortunate that God doesn't love us the way we love. We love so conditionally. Even our "unconditional" love can be flawed, especially when we commit sins against those whom we love most.

I've never quite fully studied verse 13 closely. I always took it for face value and never really dug deep and discovered the real meaning behind it. I always assumed it just meant that love was just that awesome. But why is love that awesome? Why is it so emphasized? Why is God the entire embodiment of Love and not merely Hope and Faith?

One of my brothers who went to India with me, Josh, gave me and our team this insight.

We may need FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE throughout our lives. Faith in our God to trust that our lives are completely in His hands. Hope for salvation and to one day meet with God in our heavenly dwelling and leave behind our sinful world. Love from God to receive His grace and mercy, to always be picked up when we fall, and to emulate that love to others so that they may see God's love through us.

Once we pass away and our souls are finally at Home:

FAITH is no longer necessary. There is no need to have faith in a God that we will be able to see and interact with. We know He is there without an inkling of a doubt.

HOPE is no longer necessary because we have already achieved the end goal of the hope we had. Once we are Home, there can be no greater hope since there is nothing greater.

However, LOVE will always remain and be greater than FAITH and HOPE because LOVE will always embody our relationship with God, whether it is on earth or in Heaven above.

Love is so powerful. It makes me shudder.

- Dan