Life?

Man, I've become such a lard. Food is literally going to be the death of me. My life is overrun with fast food and snacks. And then I go through brief periods of eating somewhat healthy and go buy carrot sticks and celery at Trader Joe's. But in no time at all, it's back to gorging a fat Vallarta's quesoburrito (frickin' delicious BTW) and gaining all the weight back.

I need to shape up and hit the gym. No more looking at old "skinny Dan" pictures in nostalgia. Time to make it a reality. Again. Time to release gallons of sweat and stress through cardio. Time to say no to burgers and fries and say yes to greens and whole grains.

It kills me because life without delicious food is one hardly worth living.

Anyways, I probably only think/say this once a quarter before I get lambasted with cursed finals. Learning is such a blessing and an opportunity that I let pass by too often. I like to ditch class because I feel like I can just learn "on my own" and just study the book. I don't soak in and study all I should. And sometimes I look back and think, man I wish I had actually learned the stuff in that class rather than just cram it all before the final and forget it soon after. But whatever.

Taking these classes not only gives me headaches, stress, and a hefty bill for each unit, but it also gives me renewed appreciation for God's perfect design. Especially for science classes, I look at all the intricacies of the cell and its basic processes and I am in awe of its complexities. Maybe that's what makes learning so enjoyable at certain moments such as these.

But, I will probably go back to complaining and hating life tomorrow, since my midterm will just be one day away.

Vegan Cookies

For something that is labeled "Vegan", Trader Joe's Vegan chocolate chip cookies are arguably better tasting than regular chocolate chip cookies. Just sayin'.

I look at my Bible and feel so uninspired. What is it that you want to teach me God? If I open this book, how will my life be affected? Maybe, I have become so jaded that I just don't have the heart to really soak in what You're trying to show me. The words that I read are just that: words.

It's hard to really entrust God with my future. I feel like, the way I've been brought up, it's hard to not have the attitude that the future is what I make of it. I will only succeed if I put my mind to it. Anything less, then I can expect less. But, I've also been taught that our future ultimately aligns with God's plans, despite what silly thing we have thought of for ourselves. Knowing that my life is in God's immovable hands, why would I want to put my own life into my own shaky and unreliable hands? I hate how uncertain the future is. I don't know how I'm supposed to find comfort in knowing that my ambiguous future is going to play out a certain way, no matter what I do. I guess this is where all the question of "free will" within an omnipotent and omniscient sphere comes in.

So many questions in my head, but so little answers. Again, I look down at my Bible. Yet again, I just feel uninspired. Although I open the book and look for answers, I just read mere words and sigh. I close the book and hope God has an answer for me soon.

Steven.

I've been pretty bad with updating this blog. Last time I wrote was like, February 27th.

Crap.

Math. Mute.

I always abhored mathematical problem solving. To me, a problem only having one answer was so mundane and frustrating. If I didn't know how to do the problem, then I'm just stuck. There's no creativity involved. Not even trial and error. As long as I am clueless to the whole concept of the problem, there is a very slim chance of solving it. I guess that's why I considered myself an English person most of my life. Analysis of a reading passage or piece of literature was always left up to a wide range of interpretation. Given, there are always symbols, literary devices, and plots that are widely accepted as being correct in all instances. But, nonetheless, if I want to interpret a "problem" in English, I could approach it any way I want and still be "right", with sufficient evidence and support.

However, as I study for chemistry and solve problem after problem, I'm starting to get it. Once you got the concepts down, problem-solving is a puzzle. Figuring out how all the pieces fit together to agree with the concept. And solving the puzzle is INTOXICATING.

When.

I wonder if everything I'm doing right now in college is worth it. So many people give up their dreams because they find it unattainable or simply too difficult to pursue. Others smarten up and realize that what they wanted isn't REALLY what they wanted.

What if I'm just wasting all my time only to reach a point when I dismantle it all?

On a totally unrelated note, I've become some kind of a jerk lately.

I realized I have total disregard for people's feelings. Nowadays at least.

God, save me from myself.

Sometimes.

Loneliness is something that is to be appreciated.

I used to be afraid of being lonely. Without the warmth of a fellow human being. Lost in a dark and cold world. Separated from those I love.

This is evidenced in high school when I made it my life to surround myself with people constantly. I couldn't stand the thought of eating alone. I also made it a point to surround myself with several different groups of friends, so that my need for social contact was consistently satiated. If I was bored or tired of one group, I could move on to the next. I was wrong to think this way.

Cut to the future. Now. College. Junior year. I used to get hurt. I used to get hurt when I was left out of things. You think I didn't see when you invited everyone but me? You think I can't pick up on the subtleties of being left out? Sometimes accidently, sometimes on purpose.

I used to get hurt and think to myself "Why God! Why do I not have the love of this brother or sister? I try so hard."

And God answered back. It came to me. My source of energy. My pride. My life was others. I lived for the thrill of always having something to do. Always having someone to share my time with. But what about for myself? What about for God?

If I were to get deep, I would conclude: If I were lonely, I would have time to reflect on my life for a long period of time. And I don't think I'd like what I would gradually conclude. I would have to face God myself, instead of being "blessed" by fellowship. I would have to face the dark.

I think I really learned that this past summer. All those lonely nights working, time to myself during the day just to engage in enjoyable activities. I learned that silence is beautiful. That sometimes, spending the day with myself is a much needed break from the cacophony of social gathering. That sometimes, God desires for me to have time alone, in the secret, to spend with the only One who matters in this life.

A New Year

Resolutions (Not because they're practical, because they're fun):

1. Become a morning person.

2. Eat breakfast.

3. Eat right.

4. Push through tough times in stride.

5. Train my ear to listen better. Train my tongue to talk less.

6. Clean my room.

7. Cook more fish.

8. Take my vitamins.

9. Laugh at myself, because life is too short to be uptight and butthurt.

10. TRUST.