I used to be afraid of being lonely. Without the warmth of a fellow human being. Lost in a dark and cold world. Separated from those I love.
This is evidenced in high school when I made it my life to surround myself with people constantly. I couldn't stand the thought of eating alone. I also made it a point to surround myself with several different groups of friends, so that my need for social contact was consistently satiated. If I was bored or tired of one group, I could move on to the next. I was wrong to think this way.
Cut to the future. Now. College. Junior year. I used to get hurt. I used to get hurt when I was left out of things. You think I didn't see when you invited everyone but me? You think I can't pick up on the subtleties of being left out? Sometimes accidently, sometimes on purpose.
I used to get hurt and think to myself "Why God! Why do I not have the love of this brother or sister? I try so hard."
And God answered back. It came to me. My source of energy. My pride. My life was others. I lived for the thrill of always having something to do. Always having someone to share my time with. But what about for myself? What about for God?
If I were to get deep, I would conclude: If I were lonely, I would have time to reflect on my life for a long period of time. And I don't think I'd like what I would gradually conclude. I would have to face God myself, instead of being "blessed" by fellowship. I would have to face the dark.
I think I really learned that this past summer. All those lonely nights working, time to myself during the day just to engage in enjoyable activities. I learned that silence is beautiful. That sometimes, spending the day with myself is a much needed break from the cacophony of social gathering. That sometimes, God desires for me to have time alone, in the secret, to spend with the only One who matters in this life.
